the wind

(image by janno hahn)

i feel a certain disconnect with things and people lately. certain conversations about certain subjects have become banal. a lot of the time i walk away from a conversation and wonder why i have wasted time on it. sometimes people complain about things that they really shouldn't complain about.

i guess this happens all the time. i guess this happened all before. the only thing is that i didn't realize how stupid, vapid and superficial the topics of conversation that some people pick can be. maybe i'm no good any more at pretending to care. maybe i learned to be more apathetic towards things that do not and should not matter.

i just want to sit in a sunny room with large windows and a nice view, drink tea and have conversations about things that really matter. things that deal with real life, things that have significant impacts on peoples' lives.

enough with this superficial, materialistic bullshit. stuff makes life complicated. it ties us down. it's only worth the sentimental value that we give it.

i am feeling so restless lately. i don't like it.

I'm home.
and let me tell you.. it's kinda anti-climactic. but it hasn't been the only thing lacking a climax in the last couple days.
(pun very much intended)

I feel so extremely weird walking into the rooms of my house. It's like I'm home... but I'm not. Everything's exactly the same, and instead of feeling at home.. I feel like I've been displaced again.
I woke up a couple of times last night, kind of freaked out to be in my own bed.
The blankets are too heavy, the mattress too soft, the pillow too high... but it's my own bed! In my own room! It's so weird to wake up in the morning and look over to my right and not see someone else sleeping across the room from me.

I miss my group. I feel sort of lost wandering around without any of them around.
I don't feel like unpacking. I want to live out of my suitcase forever.

Summer Rain

It's 5am.
I can't sleep, yet again.
I lie in bed only to feel the beginnings of a panic attack creeping up on me.
I'm shaky and nauseous.
It's too stuffy in the house.
I need to go for a walk, but it's still dark out.
I want to go outside and watch the sun rise.
I am listening to the shins.
Wincing the night away
How appropriate.