I'm at work, slightly hung over and INCREDIBLY tired.
I had a dream about sam and this bespectacled american apparel hoody clad man who vaguely resembled my photography TA from last year. We were looking at art and discussing how different a certain painting looked from different perspectives.
It's such a fucking turn off when boys flirt badly. Or when they're completely obvious about it, yet feign subtlety.
This is incredibly fucked up. Because if I do this, I'd be doing exactly what I'm warning against. So what do I do? Turn it all off? Everything? Retreat?
Funny, the one time where things are working out the way I wanted them to, and the situation is almost perfect for what I've been telling myself I need... I stop thinking about myself (for once) and start to think of the implications for the other person involved.
My plans for the summer are also getting kind of complicated. I've been in contact with the Maple School in Indonesia, and although I haven't really heard anything confirming it yet, they seem to be interested in me going out there... but I kind of want to stay close to home this summer. But can I really in good conscience give up the opportunity to be paid to live in Indonesia for 3 months?
There's also the Equitas internship in Montreal that I've also interested in. I've fallen in love with Montreal, and interning with Equitas for a summer might lead to a full time position when I graduate. Parfait. Un raison pour demenager labas. One less thing I'll have to worry about when I do move out there when I'm done school.
This is all assuming that I get any of these positions. They might all not take me, and I will be stuck here trying to find another job for the summer.
Eh, life.
Showing posts with label personal journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal journal. Show all posts
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Hey Maggie,
Yeah I know sometimes it's hard to buckle down and do what you need to do. I know what it's like to lose focus in the middle of doing something. I know how frustrating it is.
Sometimes you have this long stream of thought in your head. It's sort of foggy and slightly unformed, but this seed of an idea is there. You know it can be amazing if you just turn it over a little bit, flesh it out, adjust it where needed. You just need to focus on it a little bit. But you don't. You start, but it gets frustrating. You know you can, but you won't. Maybe it'll get easier if you just let it sit on its own for a little while.
But it doesn't. It's still there half an hour later (maybe after scrolling through ONTD), unformed, floating in your mind, still full of potential. 2 hours later, (after going through lookbook, the fashion spot..) no change. You know, you know that all it takes is about 5 minutes of heavy thinking, 2 minutes of scribbling it down on paper, and crossing it out, adding a word or two. But you're hungry, thirsty, need a break from the computer. Maybe if I go and have a snack, I'll come back energized and ready to attack what needs to be done.
It goes on and on and on.
In your head there's this huge list of things to do. Thinking about it causes heart palpitations. So, you don't think about it. Maybe it'll go away. (It never does.)
Check facebook 50 times a day.
The list gets longer.
An exam on Wednesday? Worth 40%? Have you started studying? No.
It's only Sunday.
But how much will you get done on Monday? Don't you work on Tuesday?
Do you want to graduate?
21 credits to leave York, can easily turn into $500 wasted, an F on your pristine transcript (that you are oh so proud of), and 24 credits to graduate.
Don't you also have a proposal due Thursday? And a presentation?
I think I'll take a nap.
2 hours later. It's 7pm - time for dinner.
You think maybe blogging about it will help.
I know you know that you have shit to do. Just do it. Get it over with. FINISH. Go to Montreal this weekend and celebrate getting SHIT DONE.
Just do it.
...
It's 8pm. Time for Gossip Girl.
I'll get it done after the show.
I promise.
Yeah I know sometimes it's hard to buckle down and do what you need to do. I know what it's like to lose focus in the middle of doing something. I know how frustrating it is.
Sometimes you have this long stream of thought in your head. It's sort of foggy and slightly unformed, but this seed of an idea is there. You know it can be amazing if you just turn it over a little bit, flesh it out, adjust it where needed. You just need to focus on it a little bit. But you don't. You start, but it gets frustrating. You know you can, but you won't. Maybe it'll get easier if you just let it sit on its own for a little while.
But it doesn't. It's still there half an hour later (maybe after scrolling through ONTD), unformed, floating in your mind, still full of potential. 2 hours later, (after going through lookbook, the fashion spot..) no change. You know, you know that all it takes is about 5 minutes of heavy thinking, 2 minutes of scribbling it down on paper, and crossing it out, adding a word or two. But you're hungry, thirsty, need a break from the computer. Maybe if I go and have a snack, I'll come back energized and ready to attack what needs to be done.
It goes on and on and on.
In your head there's this huge list of things to do. Thinking about it causes heart palpitations. So, you don't think about it. Maybe it'll go away. (It never does.)
Check facebook 50 times a day.
The list gets longer.
An exam on Wednesday? Worth 40%? Have you started studying? No.
It's only Sunday.
But how much will you get done on Monday? Don't you work on Tuesday?
Do you want to graduate?
21 credits to leave York, can easily turn into $500 wasted, an F on your pristine transcript (that you are oh so proud of), and 24 credits to graduate.
Don't you also have a proposal due Thursday? And a presentation?
I think I'll take a nap.
2 hours later. It's 7pm - time for dinner.
You think maybe blogging about it will help.
I know you know that you have shit to do. Just do it. Get it over with. FINISH. Go to Montreal this weekend and celebrate getting SHIT DONE.
Just do it.
...
It's 8pm. Time for Gossip Girl.
I'll get it done after the show.
I promise.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
NAMES
Up until a couple weeks ago, I've always had a secret wish to get a name change.
Maggie always seemed to be the name of someone's dog, or someone's grandma.
Sometimes I would wish that I had a more common name. Amanda, Christine, Jessica...
I have never appreciated the fact that I had an uncommon (for our generation) name until now.
Some bitch named Margaret in my Environmental Studies class keeps insisting on people calling her Maggie.
This irritates the fuck out of me. Because a) that is MY name. YOU have a name. It is Margaret. WHY THE FUCK would you want to confuse the shit out of EVERYONE by APPROPRIATING mine? b) Her last initial is also 'C'. and c) when attendance is called she always answers for me. NO I AM MAGGIE. YOUR NAME IS MARGARET OFFICIALLY. THAT IS WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE PAPER.
Also, we have an open forum for the class, and we have group discussions going on with posting research on various indigenous groups. I posted the names of the members present on the forum, the day we started and she was not listed in our group nor was she in class that day. Two days ago I get an email from her, saying that this was her group and wanting an explanation of the project. She signed with 'Maggie'. NO you are not in our group, the name Maggie in the post refers to me. I KNOW she wasn't in our group because I saw her name listed as MARGARET for another group.
I cannot understand how people stand it when their name is Sarah or something and there are like 3 in the class.
I have not fully appreciated my name up until now.
I want to walk up to this girl and write MARGARET on her forehead.
Maggie always seemed to be the name of someone's dog, or someone's grandma.
Sometimes I would wish that I had a more common name. Amanda, Christine, Jessica...
I have never appreciated the fact that I had an uncommon (for our generation) name until now.
Some bitch named Margaret in my Environmental Studies class keeps insisting on people calling her Maggie.
This irritates the fuck out of me. Because a) that is MY name. YOU have a name. It is Margaret. WHY THE FUCK would you want to confuse the shit out of EVERYONE by APPROPRIATING mine? b) Her last initial is also 'C'. and c) when attendance is called she always answers for me. NO I AM MAGGIE. YOUR NAME IS MARGARET OFFICIALLY. THAT IS WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE PAPER.
Also, we have an open forum for the class, and we have group discussions going on with posting research on various indigenous groups. I posted the names of the members present on the forum, the day we started and she was not listed in our group nor was she in class that day. Two days ago I get an email from her, saying that this was her group and wanting an explanation of the project. She signed with 'Maggie'. NO you are not in our group, the name Maggie in the post refers to me. I KNOW she wasn't in our group because I saw her name listed as MARGARET for another group.
I cannot understand how people stand it when their name is Sarah or something and there are like 3 in the class.
I have not fully appreciated my name up until now.
I want to walk up to this girl and write MARGARET on her forehead.
edited to add appropriate gif
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
oh, hello.
one week of no blogging? no updates of any sort? pretty bad form, in my opinion.
school started last week, and i've been meaning to do a post on how it feels to be back (SO SCARY), my classes (SO INTERESTING), and my professors (one of which is SO STUDLY).
but i have been HORRENDOUSLY sick for the last couple of days. i am not exaggerating, i have never been this sick before. usually i take my illnesses like a man, plowing through them, drinking lots of water and tea, taking tylenol only when functionality becomes in peril, but saturday after being dropped off at home after an enjoyable day shopping downtown with rafay and paolo, i threw on some sweatpants and collapsed into a shivering heap next to my brother on the couch and fell asleep clutching a steaming mug of tea to my chest for warmth (i do not recommend you try this at home, disastrous consequences could have occurred had i not had a more responsible and sane family member next to me at the time). at some time i wandered up to bed, waking up several hours later with a fever, and feeling hungry but not really feeling like eating anything.
and so begins a cycle that has repeated itself over the last 2 days. i get hit with the chills and fever flashes alternatively. the fevers get so bad that i actually start sweating, and i'd actually just taken to laying on the couch and drifting in and out of sleep all day, taking hot/cold showers to regulate my body temperature, and eating what food i can manage.
yesterday i woke up with death voice and a sore throat that wouldn't allow me to eat. my dad brought me to the doctor's office where i had hoped to get some sort of relief in the form of pills or syrup, but NOTHING! she took a throat swab which i had to deliver to the lab myself, and told me to take tylenol every couple of hours. ARE YOU KIDDING, I AM PRETTY SURE I AM DYING. WHERE IS MY MEDICATION. she said my throat was a little red, ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T BLEEDING?? augh. anyways, at least i made it to bed last night at a somewhat reasonable time. the past couple nights i'd been going to bed around 6 or 7pm causing 4am wake-ups because not only was i going to bed so early, but because i'd been sleeping on and off all day. on top of that, with my death voice, i managed to call in to work to see if someone could cover me for this morning's shift because i'm pretty sure 5am wake-ups are not conducive to the healing process, but someone had "plans they couldn't break". so this morning i woke my feverish ass up soaked in sweat (no joke, i looked like a had just got out of the shower, so gross.) walked to the bus stop at 6:30 just so i could open up the gym for those fanatical ladies out there who love their 7am workouts. my face is gross, my hair is gross, my voice is gross. but whatever.
i am still here now. it is 12:15 and i am starving. i haven't eaten anything in the last couple of days but rice porridge/congee (DISGUSTING) and i am craving a cheeseburger so badly. so much so that at 2:00 i am running across to mcdonalds and getting a double cheeseburger dressed like a mac and devouring it whether my stomach can handle it or not. sorry curves, but your weightloss dieting guide is LOST on me.
i'd also like to apologize if i've been somewhat unresponsive online or not picking up the phone the past couple of days, i've been pretty much catatonic irl so getting my mental faculties together to answer simple questions was way too difficult. SORRY.
so there is your scary/disgusting life update from me. i hope we can still be friends after you read this. i am marginally less disgusting when im healthy, so i hope we can work through this.
school started last week, and i've been meaning to do a post on how it feels to be back (SO SCARY), my classes (SO INTERESTING), and my professors (one of which is SO STUDLY).
but i have been HORRENDOUSLY sick for the last couple of days. i am not exaggerating, i have never been this sick before. usually i take my illnesses like a man, plowing through them, drinking lots of water and tea, taking tylenol only when functionality becomes in peril, but saturday after being dropped off at home after an enjoyable day shopping downtown with rafay and paolo, i threw on some sweatpants and collapsed into a shivering heap next to my brother on the couch and fell asleep clutching a steaming mug of tea to my chest for warmth (i do not recommend you try this at home, disastrous consequences could have occurred had i not had a more responsible and sane family member next to me at the time). at some time i wandered up to bed, waking up several hours later with a fever, and feeling hungry but not really feeling like eating anything.
and so begins a cycle that has repeated itself over the last 2 days. i get hit with the chills and fever flashes alternatively. the fevers get so bad that i actually start sweating, and i'd actually just taken to laying on the couch and drifting in and out of sleep all day, taking hot/cold showers to regulate my body temperature, and eating what food i can manage.
yesterday i woke up with death voice and a sore throat that wouldn't allow me to eat. my dad brought me to the doctor's office where i had hoped to get some sort of relief in the form of pills or syrup, but NOTHING! she took a throat swab which i had to deliver to the lab myself, and told me to take tylenol every couple of hours. ARE YOU KIDDING, I AM PRETTY SURE I AM DYING. WHERE IS MY MEDICATION. she said my throat was a little red, ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T BLEEDING?? augh. anyways, at least i made it to bed last night at a somewhat reasonable time. the past couple nights i'd been going to bed around 6 or 7pm causing 4am wake-ups because not only was i going to bed so early, but because i'd been sleeping on and off all day. on top of that, with my death voice, i managed to call in to work to see if someone could cover me for this morning's shift because i'm pretty sure 5am wake-ups are not conducive to the healing process, but someone had "plans they couldn't break". so this morning i woke my feverish ass up soaked in sweat (no joke, i looked like a had just got out of the shower, so gross.) walked to the bus stop at 6:30 just so i could open up the gym for those fanatical ladies out there who love their 7am workouts. my face is gross, my hair is gross, my voice is gross. but whatever.
i am still here now. it is 12:15 and i am starving. i haven't eaten anything in the last couple of days but rice porridge/congee (DISGUSTING) and i am craving a cheeseburger so badly. so much so that at 2:00 i am running across to mcdonalds and getting a double cheeseburger dressed like a mac and devouring it whether my stomach can handle it or not. sorry curves, but your weightloss dieting guide is LOST on me.
i'd also like to apologize if i've been somewhat unresponsive online or not picking up the phone the past couple of days, i've been pretty much catatonic irl so getting my mental faculties together to answer simple questions was way too difficult. SORRY.
so there is your scary/disgusting life update from me. i hope we can still be friends after you read this. i am marginally less disgusting when im healthy, so i hope we can work through this.
Friday, February 20, 2009
get born
i have only been up for 7 hours, and i'm ready to go back to bed.my head hurts, my body aches and i'm scared that this is all a result of some super rebellious behaviour yesterday.
there are some conversations that i need to have with some people... i just don't know how to start. mostly i just run away. i'm sorry.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
To do
I need to download that post-it note application for my computer, but until then I will have to subject you all to the mundane things that I need to do.
for the IDA:
- design a flyer for weekly meetings [for next thursday]
- design a flyer for the film fest (ask justin or dave for info about this)
[Conference on Aboriginal Issues- Monday 23rd March- Thursday 26th March (Monday and Tuesday Film festival and Wednesday and Thursday speakers)] Les peuple invisibles
- design for t-shirts // buttons
- go through CD from last years exec + look through booklet that the prev. promotions coordinators made
- find out what time we will be back from trent on saturday
- find out deadlines for flyer designs
- submit photos from Brazil for Global Arts Night - talk to Sara/Liz about submission regulations
- buy dvds to burn brazil/quebec photos on
- look for + develop 3 (2?) rolls of film from holga
- fabric/elastic/thread/sewing machine tune up
- finish and email in YIIP application - 3 diff. cover letters.
- FIND A TREE THAT GROWS MONEY - keep it secret, put it to good use
for the IDA:
- design a flyer for weekly meetings [for next thursday]
- design a flyer for the film fest (ask justin or dave for info about this)
[Conference on Aboriginal Issues- Monday 23rd March- Thursday 26th March (Monday and Tuesday Film festival and Wednesday and Thursday speakers)] Les peuple invisibles
- design for t-shirts // buttons
- go through CD from last years exec + look through booklet that the prev. promotions coordinators made
- find out what time we will be back from trent on saturday
- find out deadlines for flyer designs
- submit photos from Brazil for Global Arts Night - talk to Sara/Liz about submission regulations
- buy dvds to burn brazil/quebec photos on
- look for + develop 3 (2?) rolls of film from holga
- fabric/elastic/thread/sewing machine tune up
- finish and email in YIIP application - 3 diff. cover letters.
- FIND A TREE THAT GROWS MONEY - keep it secret, put it to good use
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
dream big.
a travel journalist.
upside(s):
- i will get paid to travel
- my travel will be paid for
- people will pay to hear about my opinion about things !!!
- i can learn things (about culture, languages, food etc)
downside(s):
- i will forever be writing about being off the beaten path, living in shacks and getting malaria.
- development rhetoric will always creep into my writing, and instead of telling you how amazing this 5 star hotel/resort/spa is, i'll probably end up telling you how it doesn't stimulate the economy and how this is the fault of capitalism and neoliberal economics, and that everyone around me are undeserving bourgeoisie
- everyone will know that i am a closet socialist/commie
- i have really bad grammar skills. i am QUEEN of comma splices - which, if you read my blog, you can probably attest to
but its sooooooo perfecttttt
upside(s):
- i will get paid to travel
- my travel will be paid for
- people will pay to hear about my opinion about things !!!
- i can learn things (about culture, languages, food etc)
downside(s):
- i will forever be writing about being off the beaten path, living in shacks and getting malaria.
- development rhetoric will always creep into my writing, and instead of telling you how amazing this 5 star hotel/resort/spa is, i'll probably end up telling you how it doesn't stimulate the economy and how this is the fault of capitalism and neoliberal economics, and that everyone around me are undeserving bourgeoisie
- everyone will know that i am a closet socialist/commie
- i have really bad grammar skills. i am QUEEN of comma splices - which, if you read my blog, you can probably attest to
but its sooooooo perfecttttt
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
l'hiver.
This morning, I threw open my curtains and let the sun shine into my room. I dressed weather-inappropriately and curled up in a pool of sunshine on my bed like my cat did in Brazil. I dreamt about summer and spring-like temperatures and soaked up my daily dose of vitamin D.
I'm tired of being cold all the time.
I'm tired of putting on layer upon layer of clothing before going out to brave the weather.
I love you Canada. I love Tim Hortons, I love ice skating and maple syrup and Quebec, but your winters are really really trying.
Maybe it's the fact that I've already had to deal with 6 months of winter. (Yeah, winter in Brazil counts as winter. It was DARK by 4:30, and I could see my breath in the shower.)
But if Spring doesn't come soon.. I don't know how I'm going to deal.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Major Turnoffs..
There was a discussion somewhere about the one thing that completely turns you off from a person - major dealbreakers in personality or otherwise - and someone answered with this:
"The first that comes to mind is complete apathy and a self-centered attitude. Just PLEASE be passionate about SOMETHING, and please let that something not be yourself. Have an open mind and an educated worldview."
And I honestly could not have put it into better words myself. For me this applies to everyone, including friends/aquaintances.
Having a passion makes you a more interesting person. But even better than being passionate is being educated and being able to see both sides to any argument - being able to understand that although your passion may be your passion, it may not be for others and not completely shutting them down or out because they don't agree with your all of your views. Anyone like that is worth talking to.
"The first that comes to mind is complete apathy and a self-centered attitude. Just PLEASE be passionate about SOMETHING, and please let that something not be yourself. Have an open mind and an educated worldview."
And I honestly could not have put it into better words myself. For me this applies to everyone, including friends/aquaintances.
Having a passion makes you a more interesting person. But even better than being passionate is being educated and being able to see both sides to any argument - being able to understand that although your passion may be your passion, it may not be for others and not completely shutting them down or out because they don't agree with your all of your views. Anyone like that is worth talking to.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy 2009!
(fine, sasha FIERCE. this is a better picture anyways.)Everyone knows that the new year officially starts on Jan 2.
January 1st is usually reserved for 1) sleeping off the revelry of the night/morning before, 2) dealing with a massive hang over, 3) sobering up, or 4) cleaning up all the barf from the bathroom floor/toilet/sink/bath tub.
So here's to ringing in the new year with new people, plenty of booze, interesting characters, and (apparently) lines of... white... stuff at 7 in the morning.
2008 was an amazing year. I did so many great things, met so many great people, and learned so much.. it's going to be hard up for 2009 to beat it. But maybe with my newly acquired skills, it will.
It's hard to say goodbye to the past year, it's helped me grow in ways I probably haven't even figured out yet, but it's time to build on past experiences and do what I need to do.
I've never really been so ... lost ... in life, as I have been the last week or two (omg, it's only been a week and a bit? It feels so much longer...) so this year I pledge to get my life back on track. Find a job as soon as possible, make decisions about the rest of the academic year, all the while not compromising my principles and ideals, and put the experience of the last 6 months to good use.
I want to continue with my languages - work on my Portuguese and on my French writing skills.
I'm also going to take inventory. Find those who have been there for me, and those who haven't, and... phase them out. Sorry, but I have incredibly low tolerance for drama and childish grudges at this point, and don't really plan on entertaining dead friendships for much longer.
I want to thank those who have been there for me in the last week, those who have listened to my stories, asked questions, and helped take my mind off of how strange it is to be at home.. and sort of helped my reintegration back into my life again.
Thank you to all my CWYers who helped make 2008 unforgettable, and to Marylene, whose life-advice I will try to apply to my everyday. I'm sure we'll all be reunited soon. (3 months!)
I'm going into 2009 with a vengeance. (A happy focused vengeance.. not a scary, angry one...) My life has changed, I have changed, so what better than a change of year to cement new friendships, and apply new lessons learned?
Here's to an amazing 2008, and to a better, shinier 2009!
January 1st is usually reserved for 1) sleeping off the revelry of the night/morning before, 2) dealing with a massive hang over, 3) sobering up, or 4) cleaning up all the barf from the bathroom floor/toilet/sink/bath tub.
So here's to ringing in the new year with new people, plenty of booze, interesting characters, and (apparently) lines of... white... stuff at 7 in the morning.
2008 was an amazing year. I did so many great things, met so many great people, and learned so much.. it's going to be hard up for 2009 to beat it. But maybe with my newly acquired skills, it will.
It's hard to say goodbye to the past year, it's helped me grow in ways I probably haven't even figured out yet, but it's time to build on past experiences and do what I need to do.
I've never really been so ... lost ... in life, as I have been the last week or two (omg, it's only been a week and a bit? It feels so much longer...) so this year I pledge to get my life back on track. Find a job as soon as possible, make decisions about the rest of the academic year, all the while not compromising my principles and ideals, and put the experience of the last 6 months to good use.
I want to continue with my languages - work on my Portuguese and on my French writing skills.
I'm also going to take inventory. Find those who have been there for me, and those who haven't, and... phase them out. Sorry, but I have incredibly low tolerance for drama and childish grudges at this point, and don't really plan on entertaining dead friendships for much longer.
I want to thank those who have been there for me in the last week, those who have listened to my stories, asked questions, and helped take my mind off of how strange it is to be at home.. and sort of helped my reintegration back into my life again.
Thank you to all my CWYers who helped make 2008 unforgettable, and to Marylene, whose life-advice I will try to apply to my everyday. I'm sure we'll all be reunited soon. (3 months!)
I'm going into 2009 with a vengeance. (A happy focused vengeance.. not a scary, angry one...) My life has changed, I have changed, so what better than a change of year to cement new friendships, and apply new lessons learned?
Here's to an amazing 2008, and to a better, shinier 2009!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Here's to...
coming home reeking of booze and cigarettes...
from a bar where i was able to reconnect with my past, whether i wanted to or not...
"omg hi! its been so long! i havent seen you in years!! what have you been up to?"
"dude, omg, so whats up??"
"yeah man its been yearssss! how are you? what are you doing now?"
i knew there was a reason i didnt go to bars in streetsville.
and it turns out that all of SSS class of ... 2005 (thanks sasha..) was out at the cock and pheasant tonight.
How do I sum up the last 4 years of my life to you in a clear and concise way, that will keep your attention and not alienate you, in a bar over loud music and yelling from the table next to us?
"Um, yeah life's been good... I just got back from a 6 month adventure... half of which was spent in Brazil... yeah life's been pretty crazy.. So what have you been doing? .. Just school? Oh well, thats pretty....... respectable....."
wow, life.
i miss my CWYers.
Can we rewind to the last 3 days of the program in montreal?
can we go back to the night where we counted down the seconds to the end of the program?
I was so ill prepared. I promise I'll be able to deal with it better the second time around......
"A que horas, nos vamos emborra?"
"Vai emborra agora??"
I really need to get into the habit of not speaking Portuguese when I have the slightest bit of alcohol in me... no one can understand what I am saying....
from a bar where i was able to reconnect with my past, whether i wanted to or not...
"omg hi! its been so long! i havent seen you in years!! what have you been up to?"
"dude, omg, so whats up??"
"yeah man its been yearssss! how are you? what are you doing now?"
i knew there was a reason i didnt go to bars in streetsville.
and it turns out that all of SSS class of ... 2005 (thanks sasha..) was out at the cock and pheasant tonight.
How do I sum up the last 4 years of my life to you in a clear and concise way, that will keep your attention and not alienate you, in a bar over loud music and yelling from the table next to us?
"Um, yeah life's been good... I just got back from a 6 month adventure... half of which was spent in Brazil... yeah life's been pretty crazy.. So what have you been doing? .. Just school? Oh well, thats pretty....... respectable....."
wow, life.
i miss my CWYers.
Can we rewind to the last 3 days of the program in montreal?
can we go back to the night where we counted down the seconds to the end of the program?
I was so ill prepared. I promise I'll be able to deal with it better the second time around......
"A que horas, nos vamos emborra?"
"Vai emborra agora??"
I really need to get into the habit of not speaking Portuguese when I have the slightest bit of alcohol in me... no one can understand what I am saying....
Friday, December 26, 2008
yeah..
wtf why is it that all of a sudden there are all these references to australia and australians everywhere?
and why does it bother me so much?
good question!
another (set of) good question(s):
Since im back in canada and no longer half-way around the world volunteering and speaking portuguese, will this blog go back to the way it was before i left?
full of wit and fashion and music news?
or will it continue to be somewhere you go to read about how much i hate my life?
will i post more outfit posts because now i actually have a wardrobe, and dont wear the same uniform of aa hoody, aa deep-v, and skinny jeans?
will i ever update my flickr?
does anyone even read this any more?
is the whole point of making posts tagging them?
and why does it bother me so much?
good question!
another (set of) good question(s):
Since im back in canada and no longer half-way around the world volunteering and speaking portuguese, will this blog go back to the way it was before i left?
full of wit and fashion and music news?
or will it continue to be somewhere you go to read about how much i hate my life?
will i post more outfit posts because now i actually have a wardrobe, and dont wear the same uniform of aa hoody, aa deep-v, and skinny jeans?
will i ever update my flickr?
does anyone even read this any more?
is the whole point of making posts tagging them?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Things I have learned...
Sometimes when the days never seem to end, and when the 21st of December cannot come fast enough... it helps to think of the things that I've gained from this program.
6 months is a long time. It doesn't seem that long when you're living it, but when it comes down to the last couple of weeks... you start to feel how long it's been.
... how long it's been since you have seen your friends, how long it's been since you've been in your room, how long you've spent with the same people without any additions...
It's hard to look at the bright side, when every morning you just want to come downstairs make some toast and leave without having to greet everyone with a big smile on your face. (I like my host-family, I really do! It's just tiring.. always living in someone else's house for the past 6 months..)
But enough bitching. Yes it has been 6 months of being away from home, but I definitely gained some things out of it. (Woohoo, forced cheeriness and looking at the brightside!)
1) I've learned a new language, whilst improving another.
I can understand Portuguese pretty well now. My Portuguese is actually pretty much on par with how my French was before I left for the program... which is actually amazing, considering I didn't study at all before I left. I remember being at the camp in Montreal before leaving for Brazil and feeling so overwhelmed when everyone started studying during the evenings and quizzing each other...
I've improved on my French. I can understand a whole lot more now than I could before. I've (unfortunately) picked up on a lot of Quebec slang, but hopefully NOT the Quebecois accent. I could barely watch TV in French, but I've been to the movies and have been able to understand the films and enjoy them... all in French and no subtitles! I've also been reading books here in French.. although it was a graphic novel... (Persepolis) and the pictures helped, but I still understood the French!
I've also gotten accustomed to talking in Franguese. Where I begin in French... but end up speaking in English with a couple of Portuguese words thrown in for good measure. This is sort of the norm within the group.. so I apologize in advance if I come home and speak retardedly for the first couple of weeks.
2) I've learned about 2 new cultures.
I've learned a lot about the culture in Rio Grande do Sul - the Southern-most state in Brazil. The town we stayed in was incredibly traditional, and kept most of their customs, and I was on a team to teach the rest of the group about the culture of the region. I learned about the traditional dances of the region... and we even took classes to learn 2 of them to show to the group. We also dressed in traditional clothing for the day, baked a traditional cake, and learned how to lasso!
Living in a different country for 3 months gives you time to discover and appreciate the cultural differences in all facets of life. I learned how to eat beans and rice everyday at lunch. I learned how to have churrasco almost all week. I learned what churrasco was (basically giant slabs of meat spiced with salt and barbecued over a charcoal fire)... and I learned how to eat incredibly salty food, all the time. I also learned how to make some of the food I ate while I was there.
I also learned to appreciate and love a Brazilian music. We went to a lot of bailes (dances) while in Manoel Viana and we all learned to dance traditional gaucho dances to bands playing gaucho music. But also going to parties and hanging out with some of the young people in the town, we also got to know a lot about the youth culture in the town... (which honestly was incredibly hilarious and will make for a lot of ridiculous stories for you guys when I get home) and as well the music that they listen to. There was a lot of American hip-hop and pop, but there was also a lot of Brazilian funk, that although the Brazilian participants seem to hate... we seemed to love. (Enough to search it out and put it on our ipods upon our return)
Also, I learned how to appreciate Canadian culture a lot more. At the beginning of the program, the group was given the task to put together a spectacle of sorts to show the town what Canadian culture was. It was pretty hard to do. Canada didn't really have a culture... or so we thought. But upon our arrival in Valleyfield, by wanting to show our Brazilian counterparts what Canada was all about, I think we were all able to discover things that are an integral part of being Canadian (Tim Hortons being one of those things...).
I've also learned a lot about Quebec culture. The typical Quebecoise dishes - Pâté Chinoise... Poutine... (I've also learned that poutine is the best "I'm drunk and fucking hungry" food and that it really is okay if I have eaten a poutine for every meal on a weekend, not including breakfast, and that cheese curds are the most amazing snack food ever). I have also seen a lot of Quebecoise movies, and they've all been really good. It's weird because they kind of have to do their own thing here... so they have their own movies, their own TV shows and their own music.
... okay so this list looks like it might turn out to be a long one... soo I think I'm going to do it in installments. Look out for part 2 coming up next.
6 months is a long time. It doesn't seem that long when you're living it, but when it comes down to the last couple of weeks... you start to feel how long it's been.
... how long it's been since you have seen your friends, how long it's been since you've been in your room, how long you've spent with the same people without any additions...
It's hard to look at the bright side, when every morning you just want to come downstairs make some toast and leave without having to greet everyone with a big smile on your face. (I like my host-family, I really do! It's just tiring.. always living in someone else's house for the past 6 months..)
But enough bitching. Yes it has been 6 months of being away from home, but I definitely gained some things out of it. (Woohoo, forced cheeriness and looking at the brightside!)
1) I've learned a new language, whilst improving another.
I can understand Portuguese pretty well now. My Portuguese is actually pretty much on par with how my French was before I left for the program... which is actually amazing, considering I didn't study at all before I left. I remember being at the camp in Montreal before leaving for Brazil and feeling so overwhelmed when everyone started studying during the evenings and quizzing each other...
I've improved on my French. I can understand a whole lot more now than I could before. I've (unfortunately) picked up on a lot of Quebec slang, but hopefully NOT the Quebecois accent. I could barely watch TV in French, but I've been to the movies and have been able to understand the films and enjoy them... all in French and no subtitles! I've also been reading books here in French.. although it was a graphic novel... (Persepolis) and the pictures helped, but I still understood the French!
I've also gotten accustomed to talking in Franguese. Where I begin in French... but end up speaking in English with a couple of Portuguese words thrown in for good measure. This is sort of the norm within the group.. so I apologize in advance if I come home and speak retardedly for the first couple of weeks.
2) I've learned about 2 new cultures.
I've learned a lot about the culture in Rio Grande do Sul - the Southern-most state in Brazil. The town we stayed in was incredibly traditional, and kept most of their customs, and I was on a team to teach the rest of the group about the culture of the region. I learned about the traditional dances of the region... and we even took classes to learn 2 of them to show to the group. We also dressed in traditional clothing for the day, baked a traditional cake, and learned how to lasso!
Living in a different country for 3 months gives you time to discover and appreciate the cultural differences in all facets of life. I learned how to eat beans and rice everyday at lunch. I learned how to have churrasco almost all week. I learned what churrasco was (basically giant slabs of meat spiced with salt and barbecued over a charcoal fire)... and I learned how to eat incredibly salty food, all the time. I also learned how to make some of the food I ate while I was there.
I also learned to appreciate and love a Brazilian music. We went to a lot of bailes (dances) while in Manoel Viana and we all learned to dance traditional gaucho dances to bands playing gaucho music. But also going to parties and hanging out with some of the young people in the town, we also got to know a lot about the youth culture in the town... (which honestly was incredibly hilarious and will make for a lot of ridiculous stories for you guys when I get home) and as well the music that they listen to. There was a lot of American hip-hop and pop, but there was also a lot of Brazilian funk, that although the Brazilian participants seem to hate... we seemed to love. (Enough to search it out and put it on our ipods upon our return)
Also, I learned how to appreciate Canadian culture a lot more. At the beginning of the program, the group was given the task to put together a spectacle of sorts to show the town what Canadian culture was. It was pretty hard to do. Canada didn't really have a culture... or so we thought. But upon our arrival in Valleyfield, by wanting to show our Brazilian counterparts what Canada was all about, I think we were all able to discover things that are an integral part of being Canadian (Tim Hortons being one of those things...).
I've also learned a lot about Quebec culture. The typical Quebecoise dishes - Pâté Chinoise... Poutine... (I've also learned that poutine is the best "I'm drunk and fucking hungry" food and that it really is okay if I have eaten a poutine for every meal on a weekend, not including breakfast, and that cheese curds are the most amazing snack food ever). I have also seen a lot of Quebecoise movies, and they've all been really good. It's weird because they kind of have to do their own thing here... so they have their own movies, their own TV shows and their own music.
... okay so this list looks like it might turn out to be a long one... soo I think I'm going to do it in installments. Look out for part 2 coming up next.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Quebec city!
this weekend the group took a trip to Quebec city!
I saw the streets I walked in, the restaurants I ate at, and the bars we drank in, when I was ther last, and I honestly felt the most at home I've felt in... well 6 months.
It's the first familiaity I've experienced in half a year, and I was so incredibly sad that we were only there for 2 days.
We stayed at an auberge in the city, and Saturday night, a bunch of us went to Sacrilege before bumping into some really cool people in the street and being invited to their place to smoke, drink and get smoked up.
i propose that next time any of us need to go away, we go to Quebec. It's $20 per person, per night at the auberge.. plus $4 for sheets (if you dont have a sleeping bag) and it's a really nice hostel... it includes fire escapes to hang out on during summer nights. and its within walking distance of a lot of bars.
i took pictures with my holga, so if you're lucky, i might send you one in the mail.
maybe.
26 days left.
2 more weeks of work.
3 more weeks of the program. (plus 4 days of final evaluation in montreal, minus all the brazilians and plus all the canadians...)
i'll be home soon... i hope.
I saw the streets I walked in, the restaurants I ate at, and the bars we drank in, when I was ther last, and I honestly felt the most at home I've felt in... well 6 months.
It's the first familiaity I've experienced in half a year, and I was so incredibly sad that we were only there for 2 days.
We stayed at an auberge in the city, and Saturday night, a bunch of us went to Sacrilege before bumping into some really cool people in the street and being invited to their place to smoke, drink and get smoked up.
i propose that next time any of us need to go away, we go to Quebec. It's $20 per person, per night at the auberge.. plus $4 for sheets (if you dont have a sleeping bag) and it's a really nice hostel... it includes fire escapes to hang out on during summer nights. and its within walking distance of a lot of bars.
i took pictures with my holga, so if you're lucky, i might send you one in the mail.
maybe.
26 days left.
2 more weeks of work.
3 more weeks of the program. (plus 4 days of final evaluation in montreal, minus all the brazilians and plus all the canadians...)
i'll be home soon... i hope.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
goodbye chris.
yesterday afternoon after getting home from work, i was informed that instead of going to work the next morning, we were expected to be at a meeting with the supervisors.
after much speculation and general consensus that it would be about the fact that some of the group had failed to fulfill their responsibility as participants when they missed out on a park clean-up that had been scheduled with the community, it came up that some people were disgruntled by the fact that a couple days before the park clean-up, i, along with lorna and ayman, had ditched a planned obligatory group activity that involved a bike ride along the bike path that runs through the city. apparently people thought that it was a lack of respect for the group.
this morning when we arrived, it was announced to us that Chris would be leaving the program.
He had acquired 3 warnings throughout the course of the program, and the final one was because of the fact that he was sick and he didn't go to the park clean-up without first calling the supervisors who didn't know.
5 months in the program. there is one month left.
after three warnings, you get sent home.
after this was announced, fingers were pointed, immaturity reigned, and the fact that the three of us had ditched a group activity was raised.
yes, thank you. an eye for an eye. your brazilian friends got a warning for not coming to help us clean up the park, and so you must rat us out.
so after a little bit of a group circle jerk, and putting on a good face for Chris' sake, it dissolved into a coldwar of sorts. more fingers were pointed, EVERYONE'S opinion needed to be shared. and although i thought it would be needed to get everything out on the table and air some shit out, it did not help.
i'm ready for a fight. when it comes down to it, i don't mince my words. and although everything has been plastered over for now, i still have a lot to say. 5 weeks is still a lot of time.
the rest of the day, i spent with chris... i bought him his first and last poutine here in valleyfield. we went to a secondhand store... and me, ayman, elliot and lorna chilled with him for a little bit in tim hortons. after, some of us gathered at chris' house to see him off. his bus leaves tonight at 10pm for Quispamsis, New Brunswick.
It's so incredibly sad to see him go, especially for such a slight infraction. 5 months together, and he's not just one of the participants, but he's also become a good friend, and like a little brother.
We looked out for each other, and I remember always asking how he was and how he was feeling in Brazil, when I knew he was feeling very homesick. We've done some incredibly random shit together, and I have some really stupid videos of him doing stupid shit.
Outside of the program I don't think I would have met anyone like him, or if I had, I probably wouldn't have gotten to know them as well as I got to know him.
This does nothing to help the group's motivation or energy...
We're one Canadian down. And although it still hasn't hit me yet, I'm sure it will once we get into a group again.
Bye Chris! Good luck! New Brunswick isn't that far away, come visit us in Central Canada sometime! We'll go to the CTG in Toronto.
I now have a reason to go to Quispamsis, NB.
We'll miss you!
after much speculation and general consensus that it would be about the fact that some of the group had failed to fulfill their responsibility as participants when they missed out on a park clean-up that had been scheduled with the community, it came up that some people were disgruntled by the fact that a couple days before the park clean-up, i, along with lorna and ayman, had ditched a planned obligatory group activity that involved a bike ride along the bike path that runs through the city. apparently people thought that it was a lack of respect for the group.
this morning when we arrived, it was announced to us that Chris would be leaving the program.
He had acquired 3 warnings throughout the course of the program, and the final one was because of the fact that he was sick and he didn't go to the park clean-up without first calling the supervisors who didn't know.
5 months in the program. there is one month left.
after three warnings, you get sent home.
after this was announced, fingers were pointed, immaturity reigned, and the fact that the three of us had ditched a group activity was raised.
yes, thank you. an eye for an eye. your brazilian friends got a warning for not coming to help us clean up the park, and so you must rat us out.
so after a little bit of a group circle jerk, and putting on a good face for Chris' sake, it dissolved into a coldwar of sorts. more fingers were pointed, EVERYONE'S opinion needed to be shared. and although i thought it would be needed to get everything out on the table and air some shit out, it did not help.
i'm ready for a fight. when it comes down to it, i don't mince my words. and although everything has been plastered over for now, i still have a lot to say. 5 weeks is still a lot of time.
the rest of the day, i spent with chris... i bought him his first and last poutine here in valleyfield. we went to a secondhand store... and me, ayman, elliot and lorna chilled with him for a little bit in tim hortons. after, some of us gathered at chris' house to see him off. his bus leaves tonight at 10pm for Quispamsis, New Brunswick.
It's so incredibly sad to see him go, especially for such a slight infraction. 5 months together, and he's not just one of the participants, but he's also become a good friend, and like a little brother.
We looked out for each other, and I remember always asking how he was and how he was feeling in Brazil, when I knew he was feeling very homesick. We've done some incredibly random shit together, and I have some really stupid videos of him doing stupid shit.
Outside of the program I don't think I would have met anyone like him, or if I had, I probably wouldn't have gotten to know them as well as I got to know him.
This does nothing to help the group's motivation or energy...
We're one Canadian down. And although it still hasn't hit me yet, I'm sure it will once we get into a group again.
Bye Chris! Good luck! New Brunswick isn't that far away, come visit us in Central Canada sometime! We'll go to the CTG in Toronto.
I now have a reason to go to Quispamsis, NB.
We'll miss you!
Monday, October 13, 2008
lush
do you know how hard/amazing it is to ride a bike home when you're trashed?
is that legal?
friday night we went to a bar where we accidentally ended up at a show.
last night we went to a club called "le saint", where the there was a jungle theme for the night, you could get squiggly lines airbrushed onto your arms and legs, and everywhere you turned, there was a frat boy with his pink polo collar popped and a beer bottle in hand.
welcome to small-town quebec. where it's like the suburbs, but worse.
but hey, drinks were cheap - $3.50 for a vodka+canneberge, $3 for a beer (i'm sure they know that there needs to be a certain level of intoxication involved in order to deal with djs dressed up in leopard print pimp suits, throwing budweiser hats at you).
and at least we started the evening off with class.. sitting on a bedroom floor listening to Madonna, and drinking wine with cheese and bread.
..and taking shots of gin on the long walk to the club..
all in all a good(ish) time was had - i vividly remember getting really excited and dancing really hard to lady gaga even though i could barely stand at that point.
my host dad just laughed at me because its 3pm and after i biked my way home from the place i slept over at, i took a shower and changed directly into my pyjamas. he asked if i drank a lot last night because apparently i look super hung over.
my counterpart and her partner for her JAE are in the living room listening to the beach boys for some reason...
good weekend.
anyways, happy thanksgiving.
is that legal?
friday night we went to a bar where we accidentally ended up at a show.
last night we went to a club called "le saint", where the there was a jungle theme for the night, you could get squiggly lines airbrushed onto your arms and legs, and everywhere you turned, there was a frat boy with his pink polo collar popped and a beer bottle in hand.
welcome to small-town quebec. where it's like the suburbs, but worse.
but hey, drinks were cheap - $3.50 for a vodka+canneberge, $3 for a beer (i'm sure they know that there needs to be a certain level of intoxication involved in order to deal with djs dressed up in leopard print pimp suits, throwing budweiser hats at you).
and at least we started the evening off with class.. sitting on a bedroom floor listening to Madonna, and drinking wine with cheese and bread.
..and taking shots of gin on the long walk to the club..
all in all a good(ish) time was had - i vividly remember getting really excited and dancing really hard to lady gaga even though i could barely stand at that point.
my host dad just laughed at me because its 3pm and after i biked my way home from the place i slept over at, i took a shower and changed directly into my pyjamas. he asked if i drank a lot last night because apparently i look super hung over.
my counterpart and her partner for her JAE are in the living room listening to the beach boys for some reason...
good weekend.
anyways, happy thanksgiving.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
salut valleyfield!
What if I told you that I found love when I was in Brazil?
It's been a week since I've arrived in Salaberry-de-Valleyfield.. and although I'm happy to be able to go out and communicate with people somewhat easily (my french comprehension has rapidly improved since I started the program...), and see and experience things that are familiar, and eat peanut butter and have Tim Hortons, I'm having sort of a hard time adjusting. You'd think that after living in a small town in Brazil for 3 months, coming back and living in Canada would be a piece of cake, but the thing is, I kind of miss Manoel Viana.
My host family here is great. I didn't have a very good time with my host family in Manoel Viana, and to have an actual family here where we only speak french (most of the time) and who are eager to share Quebecois culture with us is really cool.
But I still find it hard to hype myself up for the rest of the program. I think the reason I feel like I'm having trouble is because I feel like I'm home, but I'm not. I feel like I should be having an easy time, but it's not that easy.
The first week in Manoel Viana, I didn't miss home, I didn't miss anything because everything was so different. I was learning so much and everything was new.
I'm sort of over the program at this point. I've been with the same people for the past 3 months and as much as I love (most of) them, it's tiring. Also, inevitably, there are going to be people that after awhile, their novelty wears off, and if this happens in real life... you drop them and find new friends. But unfortunately this isn't real life, and you will have to see them at least twice a week for the next 3 months, or you end up working with them.
Or you live with them...
I feel like I'm not going to get anything more out of the program. The next couple of workshops are going to be on Gender and development, and the Millenium Development Goals - things that not only have I learned about, but things that I've written papers on and prepared 2 hour seminars on.
Maybe I could get excited about pushing my reflection, showing off a little, imparting what I know to the other participants, but everything has to either be in French or Portuguese. I already find it hard enough to express my opinions in clear and concise language to those who aren't in IDS in English. How am I supposed to do it in French?
I was robbed of my first choice of work project - archiving photos and negatives in a museum - because for some reason unknown to me, my counterpart got priority over me, even though she had a really amazing work project in Brazil that she helped shape and set up, and that I got to hear about how cool her day was and how she got to go to so many cool places and took so many photos for the tourism web page with my $700+ camera that I let her borrow because she too is also into photography. (Not that I'm bitter or anything......) So instead I work at a kitchen that makes meals to be delivered to those who are unable to get out of the house and buy food for themselves - sort of a Meals on Wheels kind of deal. Today was my first day, and my duties include... chopping vegetables, chopping meat, and spooning things into bowls. I don't hate it... yet.
It's not all bad.. yesterday our host family brought us to Montreal to participate in a protest march against poverty, for social housing, and for more funding for arts and culture (basically a march against a Conservative majority), that was organized by the artists of Quebec. It was totally cool, and I'm sure that there are more of those to come. But still, I need to find something to look forward to.
I think about maybe quitting the program, but I can't. As much as I'm not thoroughly enjoying myself here, I'm not ready to come home. I don't know if I ever will be - yet another thing I'm grappling with: after the program, do I want to come home? But I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes...
For now, I'll just suck it up. I'm not hating it here... yet.
It's been a week since I've arrived in Salaberry-de-Valleyfield.. and although I'm happy to be able to go out and communicate with people somewhat easily (my french comprehension has rapidly improved since I started the program...), and see and experience things that are familiar, and eat peanut butter and have Tim Hortons, I'm having sort of a hard time adjusting. You'd think that after living in a small town in Brazil for 3 months, coming back and living in Canada would be a piece of cake, but the thing is, I kind of miss Manoel Viana.
My host family here is great. I didn't have a very good time with my host family in Manoel Viana, and to have an actual family here where we only speak french (most of the time) and who are eager to share Quebecois culture with us is really cool.
But I still find it hard to hype myself up for the rest of the program. I think the reason I feel like I'm having trouble is because I feel like I'm home, but I'm not. I feel like I should be having an easy time, but it's not that easy.
The first week in Manoel Viana, I didn't miss home, I didn't miss anything because everything was so different. I was learning so much and everything was new.
I'm sort of over the program at this point. I've been with the same people for the past 3 months and as much as I love (most of) them, it's tiring. Also, inevitably, there are going to be people that after awhile, their novelty wears off, and if this happens in real life... you drop them and find new friends. But unfortunately this isn't real life, and you will have to see them at least twice a week for the next 3 months, or you end up working with them.
Or you live with them...
I feel like I'm not going to get anything more out of the program. The next couple of workshops are going to be on Gender and development, and the Millenium Development Goals - things that not only have I learned about, but things that I've written papers on and prepared 2 hour seminars on.
Maybe I could get excited about pushing my reflection, showing off a little, imparting what I know to the other participants, but everything has to either be in French or Portuguese. I already find it hard enough to express my opinions in clear and concise language to those who aren't in IDS in English. How am I supposed to do it in French?
I was robbed of my first choice of work project - archiving photos and negatives in a museum - because for some reason unknown to me, my counterpart got priority over me, even though she had a really amazing work project in Brazil that she helped shape and set up, and that I got to hear about how cool her day was and how she got to go to so many cool places and took so many photos for the tourism web page with my $700+ camera that I let her borrow because she too is also into photography. (Not that I'm bitter or anything......) So instead I work at a kitchen that makes meals to be delivered to those who are unable to get out of the house and buy food for themselves - sort of a Meals on Wheels kind of deal. Today was my first day, and my duties include... chopping vegetables, chopping meat, and spooning things into bowls. I don't hate it... yet.
It's not all bad.. yesterday our host family brought us to Montreal to participate in a protest march against poverty, for social housing, and for more funding for arts and culture (basically a march against a Conservative majority), that was organized by the artists of Quebec. It was totally cool, and I'm sure that there are more of those to come. But still, I need to find something to look forward to.
I think about maybe quitting the program, but I can't. As much as I'm not thoroughly enjoying myself here, I'm not ready to come home. I don't know if I ever will be - yet another thing I'm grappling with: after the program, do I want to come home? But I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes...
For now, I'll just suck it up. I'm not hating it here... yet.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Summer Rain
It's 5am.
I can't sleep, yet again.
I lie in bed only to feel the beginnings of a panic attack creeping up on me.
I'm shaky and nauseous.
It's too stuffy in the house.
I need to go for a walk, but it's still dark out.
I want to go outside and watch the sun rise.
I am listening to the shins.
Wincing the night away
How appropriate.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
MGMT + Justice
If you're noting the barrage of posts, it's mostly because I'm leaving soon and I don't know how often I'll be updating.
Also because I am running into good music sources.
I like MGMT.
I like Justice.
I find the lead singer of MGMT extremely attractive.
I find Xavier from Justice slightly attractive.
So imagine the musical boners I had when I found out that Justice did a remix of Electric Feel.
(Actual girl-boners will ensue as soon as they put out a video together.)
Amazing.
Get the song here .
Bonus picture of Andrew from MGMT:
Also because I am running into good music sources.
I like MGMT.
I like Justice.
I find the lead singer of MGMT extremely attractive.
I find Xavier from Justice slightly attractive.
So imagine the musical boners I had when I found out that Justice did a remix of Electric Feel.
(Actual girl-boners will ensue as soon as they put out a video together.)
Amazing.
Get the song here .
Bonus picture of Andrew from MGMT:
Bonus video where Xavier sheds some insight on their songwriting process, how they plan their dj sets and the origin of the band's name. (Also a great time to brush up on your German, and something about Kanye West.) Don't worry, it kicks into French-accented English during the important parts:
Video of Justice and link to download courtesy of asian dan.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
all the world is my school, and all of humanity is my teacher.
Ah, de vivre une vie bohème.
Je veux aller ici, et vie comme un Tumbleweed.
Mais je pense pas qu'il est le même quand M. Whitman n'est pas là encore.
Among the visions which my fancies trace,
There was one brightest star, one face;
One image from afar,
Filled with surrounding grace.
Each poem was her heart's fantasy,
Each flower and tree is framed within her memory.
Each dream, each midnight and each dawn;
Are garments, thoughts of her put on
Each beam of light from the imperium blue,
With her involves the good, the beautiful and the true.
Je veux aller ici, et vie comme un Tumbleweed.
Mais je pense pas qu'il est le même quand M. Whitman n'est pas là encore.
Among the visions which my fancies trace,
There was one brightest star, one face;
One image from afar,
Filled with surrounding grace.
Each poem was her heart's fantasy,
Each flower and tree is framed within her memory.
Each dream, each midnight and each dawn;
Are garments, thoughts of her put on
Each beam of light from the imperium blue,
With her involves the good, the beautiful and the true.
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