Christmas

The only purpose that Christmas serves is to make me hate my family even more.
Today, my mom came to pick us up at 9am to bring us to her house to hang out/bake/watch movies... which usually translates to us helping out at her house.
I opted to sleep through the pick-up time. Bitch move? I guess. But really, the idea of spending the day home alone is way more appealing to me than anything else.

My brothers are home now, and they won't even watch a movie with me =( =( they prefer to play their video games. Oh.
Both parents are working tmrw, so business as usual.
Christmas doesn't exist here. I am tempted to return the presents I bought my brothers, because really, I don't think they care... and I would rather use that money to eat and live off of.

I am poor in money and family. But I am rich in angst.
(y)

Brisons-là s'il te plait

Je pourrais t'éviter le pire,
Mais le meilleur est à venir...
Avant la haine, avant les coups
De sifflet ou de fouet
Avant la peine et le dégout

NAMES

Up until a couple weeks ago, I've always had a secret wish to get a name change.
Maggie always seemed to be the name of someone's dog, or someone's grandma.
Sometimes I would wish that I had a more common name. Amanda, Christine, Jessica...
I have never appreciated the fact that I had an uncommon (for our generation) name until now.

Some bitch named Margaret in my Environmental Studies class keeps insisting on people calling her Maggie.
This irritates the fuck out of me. Because a) that is MY name. YOU have a name. It is Margaret. WHY THE FUCK would you want to confuse the shit out of EVERYONE by APPROPRIATING mine? b) Her last initial is also 'C'. and c) when attendance is called she always answers for me. NO I AM MAGGIE. YOUR NAME IS MARGARET OFFICIALLY. THAT IS WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE PAPER.
Also, we have an open forum for the class, and we have group discussions going on with posting research on various indigenous groups. I posted the names of the members present on the forum, the day we started and she was not listed in our group nor was she in class that day. Two days ago I get an email from her, saying that this was her group and wanting an explanation of the project. She signed with 'Maggie'. NO you are not in our group, the name Maggie in the post refers to me. I KNOW she wasn't in our group because I saw her name listed as MARGARET for another group.
I cannot understand how people stand it when their name is Sarah or something and there are like 3 in the class.
I have not fully appreciated my name up until now.
I want to walk up to this girl and write MARGARET on her forehead.

edited to add appropriate gif

the wind

(image by janno hahn)

i feel a certain disconnect with things and people lately. certain conversations about certain subjects have become banal. a lot of the time i walk away from a conversation and wonder why i have wasted time on it. sometimes people complain about things that they really shouldn't complain about.

i guess this happens all the time. i guess this happened all before. the only thing is that i didn't realize how stupid, vapid and superficial the topics of conversation that some people pick can be. maybe i'm no good any more at pretending to care. maybe i learned to be more apathetic towards things that do not and should not matter.

i just want to sit in a sunny room with large windows and a nice view, drink tea and have conversations about things that really matter. things that deal with real life, things that have significant impacts on peoples' lives.

enough with this superficial, materialistic bullshit. stuff makes life complicated. it ties us down. it's only worth the sentimental value that we give it.

i am feeling so restless lately. i don't like it.

get born

i have only been up for 7 hours, and i'm ready to go back to bed.
my head hurts, my body aches and i'm scared that this is all a result of some super rebellious behaviour yesterday.


there are some conversations that i need to have with some people... i just don't know how to start. mostly i just run away. i'm sorry.

l'hiver.

This morning, I threw open my curtains and let the sun shine into my room. I dressed weather-inappropriately and curled up in a pool of sunshine on my bed like my cat did in Brazil. I dreamt about summer and spring-like temperatures and soaked up my daily dose of vitamin D.

I'm tired of being cold all the time.

I'm tired of putting on layer upon layer of clothing before going out to brave the weather.

I love you Canada. I love Tim Hortons, I love ice skating and maple syrup and Quebec, but your winters are really really trying.

Maybe it's the fact that I've already had to deal with 6 months of winter. (Yeah, winter in Brazil counts as winter. It was DARK by 4:30, and I could see my breath in the shower.)

But if Spring doesn't come soon.. I don't know how I'm going to deal.

Here's to...

coming home reeking of booze and cigarettes...
from a bar where i was able to reconnect with my past, whether i wanted to or not...

"omg hi! its been so long! i havent seen you in years!! what have you been up to?"

"dude, omg, so whats up??"

"yeah man its been yearssss! how are you? what are you doing now?"



i knew there was a reason i didnt go to bars in streetsville.
and it turns out that all of SSS class of ... 2005 (thanks sasha..) was out at the cock and pheasant tonight.
How do I sum up the last 4 years of my life to you in a clear and concise way, that will keep your attention and not alienate you, in a bar over loud music and yelling from the table next to us?
"Um, yeah life's been good... I just got back from a 6 month adventure... half of which was spent in Brazil... yeah life's been pretty crazy.. So what have you been doing? .. Just school? Oh well, thats pretty....... respectable....."

wow, life.

i miss my CWYers.
Can we rewind to the last 3 days of the program in montreal?
can we go back to the night where we counted down the seconds to the end of the program?
I was so ill prepared. I promise I'll be able to deal with it better the second time around......

"A que horas, nos vamos emborra?"
"Vai emborra agora??"

I really need to get into the habit of not speaking Portuguese when I have the slightest bit of alcohol in me... no one can understand what I am saying....

yeah..

wtf why is it that all of a sudden there are all these references to australia and australians everywhere?
and why does it bother me so much?



good question!

another (set of) good question(s):
Since im back in canada and no longer half-way around the world volunteering and speaking portuguese, will this blog go back to the way it was before i left?
full of wit and fashion and music news?
or will it continue to be somewhere you go to read about how much i hate my life?
will i post more outfit posts because now i actually have a wardrobe, and dont wear the same uniform of aa hoody, aa deep-v, and skinny jeans?

will i ever update my flickr?

does anyone even read this any more?

is the whole point of making posts tagging them?

I'm home.
and let me tell you.. it's kinda anti-climactic. but it hasn't been the only thing lacking a climax in the last couple days.
(pun very much intended)

I feel so extremely weird walking into the rooms of my house. It's like I'm home... but I'm not. Everything's exactly the same, and instead of feeling at home.. I feel like I've been displaced again.
I woke up a couple of times last night, kind of freaked out to be in my own bed.
The blankets are too heavy, the mattress too soft, the pillow too high... but it's my own bed! In my own room! It's so weird to wake up in the morning and look over to my right and not see someone else sleeping across the room from me.

I miss my group. I feel sort of lost wandering around without any of them around.
I don't feel like unpacking. I want to live out of my suitcase forever.

You guys...

I want to come home.


I miss my room, my laptop, my clothes, my house.
I miss driving, I miss the city.
I miss the hang outs that I could be having with you guys.

It would be bearable if I was having an amazing time here, but I'm not.
It just barely passable - helped along by the nights of heavy drinking that have now become routine.

6 weeks left. Just 6.
a month and a half.
(it's never seemed longer....)

klutz

i have fallen off my bike twice within the last week.
both my knees have scrapes surrounded by very large, very black looking bruises. I think I have more bruises and scrapes at one time than I ever had as a kid.
It was like my body was unhappy about the large bruise and pain in one knee, and decided to even it out and do the same thing on the other.
yes, i was sober.
both times.
and no, it doesn't get any less embarassing after it's already happened once.

In other news, I am very bitter about life right now. It's stupid and trivial and whatever, but I still hate life.

In other brighter news, there's a very very good chance that I am going to be seeing Bob Dylan in Montreal on the 18th.

salut valleyfield!

What if I told you that I found love when I was in Brazil?

It's been a week since I've arrived in Salaberry-de-Valleyfield.. and although I'm happy to be able to go out and communicate with people somewhat easily (my french comprehension has rapidly improved since I started the program...), and see and experience things that are familiar, and eat peanut butter and have Tim Hortons, I'm having sort of a hard time adjusting. You'd think that after living in a small town in Brazil for 3 months, coming back and living in Canada would be a piece of cake, but the thing is, I kind of miss Manoel Viana.

My host family here is great. I didn't have a very good time with my host family in Manoel Viana, and to have an actual family here where we only speak french (most of the time) and who are eager to share Quebecois culture with us is really cool.

But I still find it hard to hype myself up for the rest of the program. I think the reason I feel like I'm having trouble is because I feel like I'm home, but I'm not. I feel like I should be having an easy time, but it's not that easy.

The first week in Manoel Viana, I didn't miss home, I didn't miss anything because everything was so different. I was learning so much and everything was new.

I'm sort of over the program at this point. I've been with the same people for the past 3 months and as much as I love (most of) them, it's tiring. Also, inevitably, there are going to be people that after awhile, their novelty wears off, and if this happens in real life... you drop them and find new friends. But unfortunately this isn't real life, and you will have to see them at least twice a week for the next 3 months, or you end up working with them.

Or you live with them...

I feel like I'm not going to get anything more out of the program. The next couple of workshops are going to be on Gender and development, and the Millenium Development Goals - things that not only have I learned about, but things that I've written papers on and prepared 2 hour seminars on.

Maybe I could get excited about pushing my reflection, showing off a little, imparting what I know to the other participants, but everything has to either be in French or Portuguese. I already find it hard enough to express my opinions in clear and concise language to those who aren't in IDS in English. How am I supposed to do it in French?

I was robbed of my first choice of work project - archiving photos and negatives in a museum - because for some reason unknown to me, my counterpart got priority over me, even though she had a really amazing work project in Brazil that she helped shape and set up, and that I got to hear about how cool her day was and how she got to go to so many cool places and took so many photos for the tourism web page with my $700+ camera that I let her borrow because she too is also into photography. (Not that I'm bitter or anything......) So instead I work at a kitchen that makes meals to be delivered to those who are unable to get out of the house and buy food for themselves - sort of a Meals on Wheels kind of deal. Today was my first day, and my duties include... chopping vegetables, chopping meat, and spooning things into bowls. I don't hate it... yet.

It's not all bad.. yesterday our host family brought us to Montreal to participate in a protest march against poverty, for social housing, and for more funding for arts and culture (basically a march against a Conservative majority), that was organized by the artists of Quebec. It was totally cool, and I'm sure that there are more of those to come. But still, I need to find something to look forward to.

I think about maybe quitting the program, but I can't. As much as I'm not thoroughly enjoying myself here, I'm not ready to come home. I don't know if I ever will be - yet another thing I'm grappling with: after the program, do I want to come home? But I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes...

For now, I'll just suck it up. I'm not hating it here... yet.

asians

when we arrived in manoel viana the other night, chris asked me how it felt to be the only asian in like a 10 000 mile radius.
people keep talking about earthquakes in china and making slant-eye jokes.
i fucking hated being reminded of my ethnicity at home, but here i smile and dont say anything..
im getting sick of being amiable and trying to be polite and getting everyone to like me.
i came here to be independent, and to live but instead i find myself worrying about what time i should be home so my host mother doesnt get worried, and i worry about being alone in the town..
im not missing home but i want my regular routine to start.
im happy with the group that we have, the brazilians are crazy - we break out into spontaneous song a lot, and really loudly.
i know a lot of the people here are missing home, but im not.. i just cant pin down the feeling hat i have..

"Hi Maggie,

Just bring it with you on Monday!

Enjoy your last weekend with friends and family before the program starts."


this kills me.

all the world is my school, and all of humanity is my teacher.

Ah, de vivre une vie bohème.
Je veux aller ici, et vie comme un Tumbleweed.
Mais je pense pas qu'il est le même quand M. Whitman n'est pas là encore.




Among the visions which my fancies trace,
There was one brightest star, one face;
One image from afar,
Filled with surrounding grace.
Each poem was her heart's fantasy,
Each flower and tree is framed within her memory.
Each dream, each midnight and each dawn;
Are garments, thoughts of her put on
Each beam of light from the imperium blue,
With her involves the good, the beautiful and the true.

tl;dr

Sorry for the lack of updates and the failure to deliver on prt 2 of the boys guide to fashion.
I've been totally busy as of late, trying to pack and do final preparations for my trip, along with working, going to school and putting together this fundraiser show at big slick for the trip.
I honestly can't wait to get out of here and have everything fall away. I've been burning myself out and it's been apparent.
I totally had a breakdown yesterday which resulted in me throwing a piece of pizza in my brother's face, having a beat down, throwing various objects and me locking myself in the bathroom for hours uncontrollably sobbing and hyperventilating.
In my defense this was not unprovoked and was a culmination of conflicts that I have been having with my brothers for the past year or so.
However, in retrospect I guess I could have handled it differently, but then that's with a lot of things that I've done. I'd just like to say that my reaction was severely augmented by the fact that I have not had a good nights sleep in 2 weeks despite the fact that I have been up at 5:30am everyday to do the most mind-numbing menial task ever and come home completely exhausted from school, on top of trip preparations, the looming date of my driving test (which I must pass, or else lose my licence and have to start all over again) and this cloud of worry over the amount of money I have to come up with in order to participate on my trip. Donations have been hard to come by (sadly only a couple of people have stepped up to help out), and I'm worried about putting up the money myself because I still have tuition to pay for (and no, I don't have OSAP because I'm not eligible for it, apparently).
There have also been some family issues at play here which all add to my reaction.
However, do I regret it? No. Neither do I regret all the things that I said in the heat of the moment because I meant a lot of them. Could I have expressed them in a better manner, minus the yelling, screaming and colourful language? Yes, but then the point would not have been made as strongly as I needed it to come across. If anything I wish I wasn't hyperventilating so hard and that the message came out clearer.
Since then, my family has been treating me... delicately. It's been a day since the meltdown and everyone's been super nice and almost patronizing as if any little thing may trigger another incident which, in all honesty, is probably right.
I'm ready to leave. I'm over my house, my family, my "friends".
I don't think I'll come back. While in the process of packing for my trip, I've also been working on packing up my room. I don't feel at home here any more, and ever since highschool ended, I've always said that there's nothing holding me to this city. I'm ready for the metropolis of downtown Toronto, with which I already identify as my home.
Does this qualify as running away from problems and issues that should be resolved? Maybe, but I feel like, now, it's more needed than ever and may be considered more if an extended vacation.
I have 3 weeks left before I depart and I'm going to work as hard as I can to hold it together till then. Whether or not I'll be able to is a whole different story. Already my body is showing signs of the stress that I've been going through. My right arm is sore from vaccinations, I cannot lift my left arm very highas a result of repeated movements associated with work and carrying my laptop on my shoulder for the 2 hr commute from work to school as well as the 1 hr commute from school to home, there are blisters on my feet, and a large bruise on my leg that's created a visible lump on my shin.
I'm running pretty raw right now... another couple nights of no sleep along with more to do could tip me over the edge.
I hope not.
But I can't help but feel that I may be in need of a vacation before heading out on the extended version.

Dear diary #1

Dear Diary,
I went to bed last night completely stressed out and upset.
This morning I woke up angry.
I don't know if I can do this.
Where is my support?

Today on the subway I had an encounter with a cute boy.
An encounter that creepily lasted my entire journey from Bathurst to York, it involved the entirely movie-esque seeing cute boy get in elevator but it being too full for me to get on, seeing him sink out of sight and just thinking nothing of it.
Through some weird coincidence I walk by him at St. George and end up on the same subway car as him, climb up the stairs next to him, stand behind him in line for the bus to York, sit a seat away from him on the bus, walk next to him to the Student Centre, and despite my effort to get away from him (because it was making me feel really odd) and take a completely different route to buy food, he ends up at Wendy's which is right next to Jimmy the Greek where I was ordering salad and I bump into him eating his sandwich on my way to class.
We should be BFF by now.
This wasn't like a 15 minute thing. It was like over the course of an hour and a half

Diary, today is really fucking weird.
Should I craigslist him?
I am sitting in class and it smells like stank ass feet.

Stay classy, mc.