FUCK MY LIFE

THE CURVES CLUB I WORK AT IS CLOSING DOWN.
THIS THURSDAY IS MY LAST SHIFT.
OMG SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.


CAPS LOCK

I'm at work, slightly hung over and INCREDIBLY tired.
I had a dream about sam and this bespectacled american apparel hoody clad man who vaguely resembled my photography TA from last year. We were looking at art and discussing how different a certain painting looked from different perspectives.

It's such a fucking turn off when boys flirt badly. Or when they're completely obvious about it, yet feign subtlety.

This is incredibly fucked up. Because if I do this, I'd be doing exactly what I'm warning against. So what do I do? Turn it all off? Everything? Retreat?

Funny, the one time where things are working out the way I wanted them to, and the situation is almost perfect for what I've been telling myself I need... I stop thinking about myself (for once) and start to think of the implications for the other person involved.

My plans for the summer are also getting kind of complicated. I've been in contact with the Maple School in Indonesia, and although I haven't really heard anything confirming it yet, they seem to be interested in me going out there... but I kind of want to stay close to home this summer. But can I really in good conscience give up the opportunity to be paid to live in Indonesia for 3 months?
There's also the Equitas internship in Montreal that I've also interested in. I've fallen in love with Montreal, and interning with Equitas for a summer might lead to a full time position when I graduate. Parfait. Un raison pour demenager labas. One less thing I'll have to worry about when I do move out there when I'm done school.
This is all assuming that I get any of these positions. They might all not take me, and I will be stuck here trying to find another job for the summer.
Eh, life.

picture time

so yeah. there are more, but i won't subject you to them. they mostly consist of me making gross drunk kissy faces at everyone.

CRUSHED DREAMS

i changed my mind about my angsty "what am i going to do with my life" entry.
i am not, however, going to change my tags or title for this entry.

instead, i am going to implore why some of you are being so difficult at life.
why can't we still be friends.
ALL OF YOU
YOU ARE ALL SO STUPID
okay one of you aren't stupid. I am stupid and shy and refuse to push any more than I already have because I already feel outside of my comfort zone on this. BUT CLEARLY I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. also i dont know if you are joking or if you really are as elitist as you sound, but its really funny, and if you are serious i am sorry but i think less of you for it but i still want to be your friend. okay? OKAY.

ahaha what the fuck

i have this sudden interest in finding a brazilian boy.

this stemmed from hearing 2 boys speaking brazilian portuguese (one of which was walking around/taking the bus with a cup of beer in his hand) while waiting for the night bus on friday night.

"com licenca, mas aqui na canada, nao pode bebir cerveja na rua..." i wish i said it to him!

webcam

since i got my laptop before it was the norm to have that little webcam at the top, i was kind of super excited when my mom came over with her laptop yesterday, and i found out that hers had it.

as a result, my brothers and i got instantly retarded trying to take the most ridiculous pictures ever. i can only imagine the mirth that wouldve ensued had we actually had a mac and were able to access all the goodness that is on photobooth. instead we had to settle with the stupid "effects" that were available.

it started my day off with a good 2 hours of laughing so hard, that at one point i thought i was going to die.

here are the results:

God help my mom when she finds these gems stored in her pictures folder. especially when she's trying to show her friends the pictures she took when she was in LA last week.

oh, hello.

one week of no blogging? no updates of any sort? pretty bad form, in my opinion.
school started last week, and i've been meaning to do a post on how it feels to be back (SO SCARY), my classes (SO INTERESTING), and my professors (one of which is SO STUDLY).
but i have been HORRENDOUSLY sick for the last couple of days. i am not exaggerating, i have never been this sick before. usually i take my illnesses like a man, plowing through them, drinking lots of water and tea, taking tylenol only when functionality becomes in peril, but saturday after being dropped off at home after an enjoyable day shopping downtown with rafay and paolo, i threw on some sweatpants and collapsed into a shivering heap next to my brother on the couch and fell asleep clutching a steaming mug of tea to my chest for warmth (i do not recommend you try this at home, disastrous consequences could have occurred had i not had a more responsible and sane family member next to me at the time). at some time i wandered up to bed, waking up several hours later with a fever, and feeling hungry but not really feeling like eating anything.
and so begins a cycle that has repeated itself over the last 2 days. i get hit with the chills and fever flashes alternatively. the fevers get so bad that i actually start sweating, and i'd actually just taken to laying on the couch and drifting in and out of sleep all day, taking hot/cold showers to regulate my body temperature, and eating what food i can manage.
yesterday i woke up with death voice and a sore throat that wouldn't allow me to eat. my dad brought me to the doctor's office where i had hoped to get some sort of relief in the form of pills or syrup, but NOTHING! she took a throat swab which i had to deliver to the lab myself, and told me to take tylenol every couple of hours. ARE YOU KIDDING, I AM PRETTY SURE I AM DYING. WHERE IS MY MEDICATION. she said my throat was a little red, ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T BLEEDING?? augh. anyways, at least i made it to bed last night at a somewhat reasonable time. the past couple nights i'd been going to bed around 6 or 7pm causing 4am wake-ups because not only was i going to bed so early, but because i'd been sleeping on and off all day. on top of that, with my death voice, i managed to call in to work to see if someone could cover me for this morning's shift because i'm pretty sure 5am wake-ups are not conducive to the healing process, but someone had "plans they couldn't break". so this morning i woke my feverish ass up soaked in sweat (no joke, i looked like a had just got out of the shower, so gross.) walked to the bus stop at 6:30 just so i could open up the gym for those fanatical ladies out there who love their 7am workouts. my face is gross, my hair is gross, my voice is gross. but whatever.
i am still here now. it is 12:15 and i am starving. i haven't eaten anything in the last couple of days but rice porridge/congee (DISGUSTING) and i am craving a cheeseburger so badly. so much so that at 2:00 i am running across to mcdonalds and getting a double cheeseburger dressed like a mac and devouring it whether my stomach can handle it or not. sorry curves, but your weightloss dieting guide is LOST on me.
i'd also like to apologize if i've been somewhat unresponsive online or not picking up the phone the past couple of days, i've been pretty much catatonic irl so getting my mental faculties together to answer simple questions was way too difficult. SORRY.
so there is your scary/disgusting life update from me. i hope we can still be friends after you read this. i am marginally less disgusting when im healthy, so i hope we can work through this.

the wind

(image by janno hahn)

i feel a certain disconnect with things and people lately. certain conversations about certain subjects have become banal. a lot of the time i walk away from a conversation and wonder why i have wasted time on it. sometimes people complain about things that they really shouldn't complain about.

i guess this happens all the time. i guess this happened all before. the only thing is that i didn't realize how stupid, vapid and superficial the topics of conversation that some people pick can be. maybe i'm no good any more at pretending to care. maybe i learned to be more apathetic towards things that do not and should not matter.

i just want to sit in a sunny room with large windows and a nice view, drink tea and have conversations about things that really matter. things that deal with real life, things that have significant impacts on peoples' lives.

enough with this superficial, materialistic bullshit. stuff makes life complicated. it ties us down. it's only worth the sentimental value that we give it.

i am feeling so restless lately. i don't like it.

in my dreams

Another 3 months in Brazil?

YORK INTERNATIONAL INTERNSHIP PROGRAM
Please note that applications will be accepted until 11:59pm, February 9, 2009 for the placements below ONLY.


Alytus State Boarding House in Alytus, Lithuania
Amigos de la Naturaleza en el Mundo (Friends of the Earth) in Sayula, Mexico
The Canadian Institute in Greece in Athens, Greece
Centro de Estudios de Estado y Sociedad (CEDES) in Buenos Aires, Argentina
Centro de Intercambio y Solidaridad, Solidarity Crafts Store in El Salvador, San Salvador
Consejo Colombiano de Construcción Sostenible (Colombia GBC) in Bogotá, Colombia
Deutscher Akademischer Austausch Dienst – DAAD (German Academic Exchange Service) in Bonn, Germany
Dublin City University (DCU), School of Biotechnology in Dublin, Ireland
Instituto Ecoar para Cidadania (Ecoar Institute for Citizenship) in Ibiuna - Sao Paulo, Brazil
Green Building Council Brasil (GBC Brasil) in Barueri, Brazil
Green Building Council of South Africa (GBCSA) in Cape Town, South Africa
The Gori Collection of Site-Specific Art in Celle, Italy
Janaagraha Centre for Citizenship and Democracy (JCCD) - GIS in Bangalore, India
La Salle University, Center for International Education in Mexico City, Mexico
Lewa Wildlife Conservancy (Marketing) in Isiolo, Kenya
Maddox Jolie-Pitt Foundation (MJP) - Early Years Project in Samlaut, Cambodia
Maddox Jolie-Pitt Foundation (MJP) - EcoRanger Club in Samlaut, Cambodia
Mexico Green Building Council in Mexico City, Mexico
National University of Mongolia (NUM), Faculty of Biology in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia
National University of Mongolia (NUM), Water Research Center in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia
New Zealand Green Building Council in Auckland, New Zealand
Pinelands Creative Workshop (PCW) in St. Michael, Barbados
Turismo Rural Ecológico del Corredor Biológico Alexander Skutch (TURE-CoBAS) in Quizarrá, Costa Rica
University of Music and Performing Arts Vienna in Vienna, Austria
University of the Autonomous Regions of the Caribbean Coast of Nicaragua (URACCAN) - Linguistics Research and Cultural Revitalization Institute (IPILC) in Bluefields, Nicaragua
University of the Autonomous Regions of the Caribbean Coast of Nicaragua (URACCAN), Nueva Guinea Campus in Nueva Guinea, Nicaragua

I am applying to the ones that are bolded.
I probably will not be able to get letters of reference in time for my interview (if, I even pass the first round of selection... but I'm banking that I should. I did last year, and I'm basically handing the exact same application and cover letter in with a few additions..) but maybe maybe maybe they'll be lenient because of the strike.

If not, I still have the opportunity to go to Washington for 3 months during the summer and work at the IDB.

NOW IF I COULD ONLY GET A JOB...

boners

Okay, to make it clear, I did not say I was a fan of any of the music in my last post. I just said that it was interesting and not to knock it till you've tried it.

So now, moving on to things that I DO like....

Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal

This song is perfect for this time of year, and after obsessing over their take away show (un concert a emporter) and ensuing musical boners, I found the official music video for it, and visual boners began accompanying the aural.

I CANNOT STOP WATCHING/LISTENING TO THIS.

alahlfhdhdkjghlfhgkghf. so amazing.

Speaking of animation...

CORALINE!

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE TO COME OUT.

I will watch it. It will be in 3D, and my mind will be blown.

For additional bonerage, go to http://www.coraline.com/ - you can spend HOURS on there. (Trust me..)

and continuing on with the theme of movies (and boners):

500 Days of Summer

I AM ALSO EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE TO COME OUT.

Joseph Gordon Levitt + Zooey Deschanel together?

PERMABONER.

Okay, is it just me, or is the voice over completely WRONG for this movie?

The voiceover and the title being repeated 500 billion times gives me hope that this movie will not be as cliched as it looks like it's going to be. It makes me think that there will be a couple of really awkward/strange twists thrown in.

I hope it is not another Across the Universe - which, while bonerific with music and Jude and colours and all that wonderful stuff, lacked a plotline.

/bonerrant

eu vou falar do musica.

some musical links for you:

White Lies - Love Lockdown
Some of you don't like Kanye West. Whatever. Here's a rocked-up cover of Love Lockdown by White Lies. (I, personally, am not a huge fan of this track, but it's interesting. So listen to it.)

Ladyhawke vs. The Killers - Ladykillers
RAFAY, THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

The Reborn Identity - You can't curry love
Even more interesting than the Love Lockdown cover. YOU ALL NEED TO LISTEN TO THIS.
This track consists of:
The Supremes - You Can’t Hurry Love
Pairon Mein Bandhan Hai (from the movie, Mohabbatein)
2Pac - Dear Mama
ALL TOGETHER. uh yeah. FML. SO CATCHY, YET SO STRANGE.

Matt and Kim - Daylight
This is for Sasha because I think she will like it.



Man, who is John Sakamoto, and why does he have the COOLEST column in the Toronto Star? The anti-hit list is the only reason I open the newspaper on Saturday mornings.
Someone find him. I need to be his friend.

dream big.

a travel journalist.

upside(s):
- i will get paid to travel
- my travel will be paid for
- people will pay to hear about my opinion about things !!!
- i can learn things (about culture, languages, food etc)


downside(s):
- i will forever be writing about being off the beaten path, living in shacks and getting malaria.
- development rhetoric will always creep into my writing, and instead of telling you how amazing this 5 star hotel/resort/spa is, i'll probably end up telling you how it doesn't stimulate the economy and how this is the fault of capitalism and neoliberal economics, and that everyone around me are undeserving bourgeoisie
- everyone will know that i am a closet socialist/commie
- i have really bad grammar skills. i am QUEEN of comma splices - which, if you read my blog, you can probably attest to


but its sooooooo perfecttttt

back-to-work legislation for York

http://www.cp24.com/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20090122/090122_trainsbackup/20090124/?hub=CP24Home"

reading the comments make me angry, then anxious, then worried, then angry again.

i still haven't decided if i want to take the year off or not.. but now, it's looking like a good idea.

the thing is... i applied for an internship at the Inter-American Development Bank for the summer... and one of the stipulations is that I have to be enrolled in a post-secondary institution and be planning to return the year after.
but if i do continue with the winter semester, it'll probably run into the summer, and jeopardize my application anyways.

um, life.

also the yorku community on.. livejournal (don't judge me) is full of all sorts of lols about the strike, people's opinions, and frustrations over the lingering smell of thai food and hummus left over outside the president's office as a result of a 3 week sit-in, amongst other things.

http://community.livejournal.com/yorku/

we'll reach the hills by dawn

(an image taken from the bus on the way to Manoel Viana from Porto Alegre)

I just read an installment about the adventures of an aquaintance who hitch-hiked his way back to Ontario with a friend after going to visit a member of his Canada World Youth group in BC.

It definitely makes me excited for the reunion I'm going to have with my group in 3 months time.

But it also has me thinking. Why am I still here?

I'm young and I'm free.

I have a newly awakened spirit of adventure.

I don't have any responsibilities of any kind - no job, no school (though not by choice)

My family isn't the kind to hold me back, now...

What am I still doing here?

I might not have money... but I have a $50 credit with Via Rail to go as far as it can take me...

...should I do it?

Can I do it?

Will you come with me?

l'hiver.

This morning, I threw open my curtains and let the sun shine into my room. I dressed weather-inappropriately and curled up in a pool of sunshine on my bed like my cat did in Brazil. I dreamt about summer and spring-like temperatures and soaked up my daily dose of vitamin D.

I'm tired of being cold all the time.

I'm tired of putting on layer upon layer of clothing before going out to brave the weather.

I love you Canada. I love Tim Hortons, I love ice skating and maple syrup and Quebec, but your winters are really really trying.

Maybe it's the fact that I've already had to deal with 6 months of winter. (Yeah, winter in Brazil counts as winter. It was DARK by 4:30, and I could see my breath in the shower.)

But if Spring doesn't come soon.. I don't know how I'm going to deal.

polaroid it.

Born to gaze into night skies..

My life will never ever be complete until I can call this my home.

Ever.

Seriously.

wait, PAUSE.

WTF, Blake Lively?

What did they do to your face?