l'hiver.

This morning, I threw open my curtains and let the sun shine into my room. I dressed weather-inappropriately and curled up in a pool of sunshine on my bed like my cat did in Brazil. I dreamt about summer and spring-like temperatures and soaked up my daily dose of vitamin D.

I'm tired of being cold all the time.

I'm tired of putting on layer upon layer of clothing before going out to brave the weather.

I love you Canada. I love Tim Hortons, I love ice skating and maple syrup and Quebec, but your winters are really really trying.

Maybe it's the fact that I've already had to deal with 6 months of winter. (Yeah, winter in Brazil counts as winter. It was DARK by 4:30, and I could see my breath in the shower.)

But if Spring doesn't come soon.. I don't know how I'm going to deal.

yeah..

wtf why is it that all of a sudden there are all these references to australia and australians everywhere?
and why does it bother me so much?



good question!

another (set of) good question(s):
Since im back in canada and no longer half-way around the world volunteering and speaking portuguese, will this blog go back to the way it was before i left?
full of wit and fashion and music news?
or will it continue to be somewhere you go to read about how much i hate my life?
will i post more outfit posts because now i actually have a wardrobe, and dont wear the same uniform of aa hoody, aa deep-v, and skinny jeans?

will i ever update my flickr?

does anyone even read this any more?

is the whole point of making posts tagging them?

uh yeah

inspirational, self pep-talk posts are only possible when im not hating life, so part 2 will have to wait till im in a better mood, drunk, or will never see the light of day.

in other news, drunken trampolining is probably the most fun you can ever have in life - just make sure you dont throw up...

also, curling is a lot harder than it looks. its also a lot more fun (surprisingly) than it looks.

what's not fun is having the hour walk home in the dark against the wind, in the snow in -25 degree weather.

but heres a fun picture:

officially warned

friday i got a written warning!
"to be fair to the others who got warned for not showing up to rake leaves"
2 completely different situations.
but whatever, 1 warning in 5 months is a good ratio.
2 more warnings and im coming home, you guys.
i'm getting close!

klutz

i have fallen off my bike twice within the last week.
both my knees have scrapes surrounded by very large, very black looking bruises. I think I have more bruises and scrapes at one time than I ever had as a kid.
It was like my body was unhappy about the large bruise and pain in one knee, and decided to even it out and do the same thing on the other.
yes, i was sober.
both times.
and no, it doesn't get any less embarassing after it's already happened once.

In other news, I am very bitter about life right now. It's stupid and trivial and whatever, but I still hate life.

In other brighter news, there's a very very good chance that I am going to be seeing Bob Dylan in Montreal on the 18th.

salut valleyfield!

What if I told you that I found love when I was in Brazil?

It's been a week since I've arrived in Salaberry-de-Valleyfield.. and although I'm happy to be able to go out and communicate with people somewhat easily (my french comprehension has rapidly improved since I started the program...), and see and experience things that are familiar, and eat peanut butter and have Tim Hortons, I'm having sort of a hard time adjusting. You'd think that after living in a small town in Brazil for 3 months, coming back and living in Canada would be a piece of cake, but the thing is, I kind of miss Manoel Viana.

My host family here is great. I didn't have a very good time with my host family in Manoel Viana, and to have an actual family here where we only speak french (most of the time) and who are eager to share Quebecois culture with us is really cool.

But I still find it hard to hype myself up for the rest of the program. I think the reason I feel like I'm having trouble is because I feel like I'm home, but I'm not. I feel like I should be having an easy time, but it's not that easy.

The first week in Manoel Viana, I didn't miss home, I didn't miss anything because everything was so different. I was learning so much and everything was new.

I'm sort of over the program at this point. I've been with the same people for the past 3 months and as much as I love (most of) them, it's tiring. Also, inevitably, there are going to be people that after awhile, their novelty wears off, and if this happens in real life... you drop them and find new friends. But unfortunately this isn't real life, and you will have to see them at least twice a week for the next 3 months, or you end up working with them.

Or you live with them...

I feel like I'm not going to get anything more out of the program. The next couple of workshops are going to be on Gender and development, and the Millenium Development Goals - things that not only have I learned about, but things that I've written papers on and prepared 2 hour seminars on.

Maybe I could get excited about pushing my reflection, showing off a little, imparting what I know to the other participants, but everything has to either be in French or Portuguese. I already find it hard enough to express my opinions in clear and concise language to those who aren't in IDS in English. How am I supposed to do it in French?

I was robbed of my first choice of work project - archiving photos and negatives in a museum - because for some reason unknown to me, my counterpart got priority over me, even though she had a really amazing work project in Brazil that she helped shape and set up, and that I got to hear about how cool her day was and how she got to go to so many cool places and took so many photos for the tourism web page with my $700+ camera that I let her borrow because she too is also into photography. (Not that I'm bitter or anything......) So instead I work at a kitchen that makes meals to be delivered to those who are unable to get out of the house and buy food for themselves - sort of a Meals on Wheels kind of deal. Today was my first day, and my duties include... chopping vegetables, chopping meat, and spooning things into bowls. I don't hate it... yet.

It's not all bad.. yesterday our host family brought us to Montreal to participate in a protest march against poverty, for social housing, and for more funding for arts and culture (basically a march against a Conservative majority), that was organized by the artists of Quebec. It was totally cool, and I'm sure that there are more of those to come. But still, I need to find something to look forward to.

I think about maybe quitting the program, but I can't. As much as I'm not thoroughly enjoying myself here, I'm not ready to come home. I don't know if I ever will be - yet another thing I'm grappling with: after the program, do I want to come home? But I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes...

For now, I'll just suck it up. I'm not hating it here... yet.

tl;dr

Sorry for the lack of updates and the failure to deliver on prt 2 of the boys guide to fashion.
I've been totally busy as of late, trying to pack and do final preparations for my trip, along with working, going to school and putting together this fundraiser show at big slick for the trip.
I honestly can't wait to get out of here and have everything fall away. I've been burning myself out and it's been apparent.
I totally had a breakdown yesterday which resulted in me throwing a piece of pizza in my brother's face, having a beat down, throwing various objects and me locking myself in the bathroom for hours uncontrollably sobbing and hyperventilating.
In my defense this was not unprovoked and was a culmination of conflicts that I have been having with my brothers for the past year or so.
However, in retrospect I guess I could have handled it differently, but then that's with a lot of things that I've done. I'd just like to say that my reaction was severely augmented by the fact that I have not had a good nights sleep in 2 weeks despite the fact that I have been up at 5:30am everyday to do the most mind-numbing menial task ever and come home completely exhausted from school, on top of trip preparations, the looming date of my driving test (which I must pass, or else lose my licence and have to start all over again) and this cloud of worry over the amount of money I have to come up with in order to participate on my trip. Donations have been hard to come by (sadly only a couple of people have stepped up to help out), and I'm worried about putting up the money myself because I still have tuition to pay for (and no, I don't have OSAP because I'm not eligible for it, apparently).
There have also been some family issues at play here which all add to my reaction.
However, do I regret it? No. Neither do I regret all the things that I said in the heat of the moment because I meant a lot of them. Could I have expressed them in a better manner, minus the yelling, screaming and colourful language? Yes, but then the point would not have been made as strongly as I needed it to come across. If anything I wish I wasn't hyperventilating so hard and that the message came out clearer.
Since then, my family has been treating me... delicately. It's been a day since the meltdown and everyone's been super nice and almost patronizing as if any little thing may trigger another incident which, in all honesty, is probably right.
I'm ready to leave. I'm over my house, my family, my "friends".
I don't think I'll come back. While in the process of packing for my trip, I've also been working on packing up my room. I don't feel at home here any more, and ever since highschool ended, I've always said that there's nothing holding me to this city. I'm ready for the metropolis of downtown Toronto, with which I already identify as my home.
Does this qualify as running away from problems and issues that should be resolved? Maybe, but I feel like, now, it's more needed than ever and may be considered more if an extended vacation.
I have 3 weeks left before I depart and I'm going to work as hard as I can to hold it together till then. Whether or not I'll be able to is a whole different story. Already my body is showing signs of the stress that I've been going through. My right arm is sore from vaccinations, I cannot lift my left arm very highas a result of repeated movements associated with work and carrying my laptop on my shoulder for the 2 hr commute from work to school as well as the 1 hr commute from school to home, there are blisters on my feet, and a large bruise on my leg that's created a visible lump on my shin.
I'm running pretty raw right now... another couple nights of no sleep along with more to do could tip me over the edge.
I hope not.
But I can't help but feel that I may be in need of a vacation before heading out on the extended version.

seasonal inadequacies

As the weather gets warmer (even if it's for a day), I feel myself yearning to pull out the shorts and the tanks, and showing as much skin as is possible all the while staying classy.
And as I shed the layers, only wearing one or two at a time, my body is revealed for what it is and not what it might look like under piles of clothing.
Maybe I'm just not used to looking at myself so um 'exposed', but I'm definitely feeling the pressure to lose my winter body and work myself into the summer.
I hate looking back at pictures taken during summer vacation and seeing that I look like a blimp.
(Why do you think no one has seen pictures of me from my trip to london/italy/spain 2 years ago?)
I feel gross, and I'm sure it comes across.. time to start eating better and get more sleep.
No more sojourns at Tim Hortons till 5am. No more juice, no more iced tea. No more eating my way through a 3 hour lecture.

outfit post #2

So as promised, here are some pictures of what I wore to class on Tuesday to fail my first multiple choice exam of my university career. You guys weren't kidding when you all bitched about how stupid/hard those exams are. I apologize for laughing it off.

Anyways, these are featuring the plaid shirt that I bought form Value Village, and perhaps in retrospect I shouldn't have worn it with highwaisted pants and cuffed them because I feel that it made me seem shorter/stockier than I really am.

apparently i make weird faces to amuse myself while waiting for the self-timer to go off.
and i also don't know exactly how long 12 seconds is, but it gives a nice backview and of the bag that you all know and have seen
details.

Also, while I was at Value Village, in addition to picking up some sweet swag, I also managed to find a cute boy.

Perfectly worn in Cheap Mondays, scuffed Nike High-tops, white crewneck, and swoopy hair.

Thrifting is good for all kinds of things.
I left him at the fitting rooms trying on dockers shorts and the most amazing pair of brogues that I'm jealous I wasn't able to fit in.
I also left without exchanging anything but a series of shy smiles and glances.
I am horrible at boys.
:(

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK CORY KENNEDY, WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU GET TO MEET KANYE WEST

Fuck exams.

One more exam left!
Tomorrow is the last exam of the third year of my university career.
It feels pretty good until I realize that I may have another 2ish years to complete my degree... and a month of summer school after this..
But before I kiss the month of May goodbye, I will have a week of partying to last me the month.
Is it just me, or does May always kick off will some pretty sick shows?

Anyways.
If you want to stalk me, here is my sched. and accompanying commentary.

April 30 - Yelle
I doubt this will be as good as when I went to see her in October.
a) I will be completely sober
b) It's at the fucking Opera House, instead of The Drake like last time
c) I have since found that copious amounts of ginos listen to her, and refer to her as "that french chick"
Also, GRANDMARNIER WE ARE COMING FOR YOU.

May 1 - Heartsrevolution
a.k.a. The Cobra Snake Dance Party
Where all my internet pop-culture dreams will come true!

May 5 - Robyn
She better play Show Me Love, I am serious.


I don't think this was the hitlist version of the video, I don't remember it as vividly as the BBMak ones...

May 6 - The Kills
M.E.X.I.C.O.C.U.
yeah?


Maybe I'll replace alcohol with Redbull?

romperss

i have been looking for the perfect romper for the longest time.
and then last night, i stumbled on this beauty on ebay.


I need this!
the only problem? there are still 7 days left in the auction, and it is already at $86.00!
(plus 13.00 for shipping.) ridiculous!
I guess I'm not the only one looking for the perfect romper.
And so the search continues..

new to the internet

What the hell, style.com.
Why is your website so hard for me to navigate?
Yes, I'm new to this whole "fashion blogging" thing.
But I already know that style.com is where it's AT to get current information about fashion and the such. (i.e. the previous post about H&M and Comme des Garcons)
So what the hell, why is it that everytime I go on there to see if there's anything new and pertinent to update my readship (all 2 of you) about, I cannot seem to find my way around, and give up after about 2 minutes of clicking around?
Maybe I'm an idiot.
Whatever.